The Only Exception

Dear Ben,

I'm sorry I just left, while you were alseep. Don't be mad. I knew you were going to leave in the morning, and I couldn't stand it. I had to leave. I couldn't stay. I wanted to - God, how I wanted to - but for all the reasons I wanted to stay, the reasons why I couldn't weighted twice the amount.

And I can't stand it anymore.

When I was younger, my Dad had an affair. I was eight, and was too young to understand what this really meant. No one would tell me because they were too busy trying to work our what it meant to them. I remember seeing, one night, out of my bedroom window, my Dad cry and curse at the wind. He'd broken his heart and there was nothing I could do but watch as he tried to reassemble it.

He broke my Mum's heart too and he couldn't fix that. I remember standing in the kitchen doorway the day my Mum kicked my dad out, listening to her swear to her Mum that she would never let herself forget. I knew my Dad wouldn't either - couldn't. But then she said something that has haunted me since; that there was no such thing as love.

So that was the day that I promised I'd never sing of love if it did not exist.

And so life continued. It wasn't the same, but it got better overtime. Neither of us spoke about my dad, or love; we never had any contact with him, and we always turned the radio off if a love song started playing. We just had to find a way to live alone, or keep a straight-face. For three years, that was how I lived.

When I started high school, I started to see that love did exist. But, deep in my soul, I knew that love never lasts. So I kept comfortable distance between love and me; I'd always lived like this, so I was content with loneliness - because none of the heartache was worth the risk.

Then I met you. You were kind, funny - and incredibly cute. But I couldn't just forget about my parents and pretend that none of that had ever happened; I have a tight grip on reality - but I couldn't let go of what was in front me, what was obvious.

But I don't believe in love. Or, at least, I thought I didn't. You seem to be the only exception, though. So, I guess, I'm on my way to believing. I'm on my way - it may be a while until I do believe in love again, but I'm definitely on my way.

That must be worth something.

x